Photobombing

We're sharing photos with my Mum of our recent trip over dinner. 

Flipping through familiar landmarks, explaining friends and sharing stories. I always drive these show and tell sessions because there are pictures on the iPad I'd far rather my mother didn't see. 

We're all in that slightly hypnotic state that only 100 unedited photographs can enduce.

Then a naked picture of my arse appears. 

I'm bent over in the sitting room showing off my hole in some brazen moment with R. God knows how it wormed it's way into the middle of the holiday snaps (the little blighter) but the moment is now seared on my memory.

"There's your bottom" trills  my mother.

R not known for his dinner party chat at these meetings suddenly cranks the conversation up a gear. Wine glasses are hastily topped up and we finish without further ado. Nothing further is said but the elephant in the room is rather pert.

Anyone know how to get photos out of Photo Stream into separate folders?

Fringe Benefits

We're in Edinburgh staying with R's Uncle Henry.

We always try and do a night at the Fringe and over deskside lunches in the weeks before our trip the emails (and temptations) fly between R and me.

Male burlesque from Dixey, Mrs Thatcher as a Soho transvestite or a play entitled Sex with Benefits.

Uncle Henry is of a more traditional disposition and Fascinating Aida won as first choice. Who could object to songs about dogging (look it up) and being transgender. Uncle Henry didn't appear to be clapping for this second one but his hearing isn't great.

Dave Callan came next - a visual feast with an Irish Viking comedian taking on a history of dance. We had front row seats and Dave Callan pole danced in Uncle Henry's face.

Edinburgh trip over for another year.. Hoping Uncle Henry will let us choose again next year.

Porn star

Dinner over with our Italian neighbours and we're heading out the door on a Friday evening with the weekend ahead of us. Squiffy as we get home and mind strays to Grindr.

The most extraordinary message:

"I'm playing at my boyfriend's and we've run out of lube. You're the nearest person I've spotted, can I come round?"

He was hot - a beautiful 20-something and we could hardly refuse a desperate neighbour so we said yes. He arrived - a lovely guy studying in the US covered in tattoos and while he waited for the lube he had sex with us both.

After he left we looked at his Gridnr profile again and there was a twitter handle attached. Transpires he's a big name in gay porn. Marvellous. 

Unexpected Orgy

Christmas drinks before R headed home for a few days with his folks seemed like an excellent idea. We were joined by Tom, his best friend Henry and in time Alan, a loud local friend who towers over us both, is only ever interested in sex and who we try and keep at something of a distance.

After several hours in Soho we headed home. Drunkeness provides a green light
for raucous behaviour and we produced a small packet. A snort seemed fine, a fun way to end the evening and then Alan encouraged another (why not).

Suddenly Alan lurched towards Tom's friend Henry and started snogging his face. Henry reciprocated and it didn't feel weird. We were all joining in - a naked tableau with Tom shagging his best mate, then Henry and me getting it on and R involved with Tom.

An hour (?) later R saved the day, collapsing on Henry fast asleep. Alan, clearly annoyed at R's selfish behaviour headed for the door and we called it a night.

We all woke up a little red-faced the next day but there were no hard feelings. The whole thing felt more like an out of body experience than anything and we laughed it off.

Seasons Greetings.

Throuple

A horrible, horrible portmanteau word. A word like “bromance” or worst of all for me, “Movember”.

After several drinks my enthusiasm for doing things and getting other people to enjoy them (stop it) tends to over-ride all sense. Suddenly I’m suggesting sponsored cycle trips to Paris, the three peak challenge or ski weekends with all sorts of random acquaintances.

On this occasion we were at drinks with tall Thomas from up the road (who we've played with on several occasions) and I suggested he join us for a ridiculous personal shopping experience at Top Man. “Ooh we’re such a throuple” said Tom with delight. It was like a cold shower. I realised we risked crossing a blurred line from couple hanging out with single friend to dangerous territory. Here be dragons.

Touting in Soho

The other night found me in a basement bar in Soho nursing an over-priced lager having been fleeced for £20 by the voluptuous lady on the door.

Flatdating

With the room to rent ad going nowhere I recently conceded that I needed to try something else. The lurid sticker on my chest confirmed that I was hustling. Resisting the tendency to congregate with the other hustlers and bitch about the people looking for rooms ("don't they know what a double room in Kennington costs...that paint is Farrow and Ball") I got the elbows out and made with the iPhone.

Yup - I have finally worked how to put pictures in files so I only ever need to show what's relevant ("can I see how the garden is going?" "Sure Mum - let's just hope we don't see R's penis at the same time"). Armed with iPhone I did ok. Dermot worked in IT and had relocated to London from Manchester and could see there was room for his Mac and Tom was starting a training contract with a city law firm and it's an easy commute.

I liked Tom and he liked the flat but he was smart (they’re pretty focused those millenials). He declared that he wanted to move in and once I’d confirmed that the room was his explained that he was looking at something else and promptly went for that. 

Back to square one

Alpine angst

So we were really good all week.

Then on the Thursday we skiied all afternoon with two great guys from Germany drank too much and ended up in bed with one of them - let's call him Hot Guy From Berlin (HGFB). Anyway next day James of the salopet insults (you can see where this is going) gets wind of our scandalous behaviour bides his time and as we take to the dance floor for some final night fun, moves in on HGFB with a very focused kiss.

History.

As a couple you don't really have a leg to stand on do you? I mean this is two single guys getting it on but, but what made it doubly galling was that James ended up going back to HGFB's room which means HGFB's less hot room-mate was forced to exit and ended up crashing in our room. Gritted smiles all round the next morning.

Might be some time before we hang out with James again.